Baron Blood DVD Review

1970s horror films can strike fear into even the toughest horror film fan's hearts. This was of course the era of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dawn of the Dead. If you are a not a seasoned horrorphile fear not. Blood Baron is a little more kitch, a little more surreal and a whole lot more hilarious.

It is probably safe to say that if you were a horror film maker in the 1970s and even Vincent Price turned down your script, you probably had a big turkey on your hands. However even though this is what happened to Baron Blood or (as it should have been called) Someone’s Left The Fog Machine On, things just click together in a weird and wacky way. Even with a script that is as mad as a box of frogs, Citizen Kane actor Joseph Cotton decided to step in after Price has so politely refused. Brave move, my friend. Brave move…

Made in 1972, Baron Blood tells the story of Peter Kleist (Antonio Cantafora) who has decided to take a break from his studies (presumably in how to get the perfect 1970s mane), and flies to Austria to stay with his uncle Dr. Karl Hummel (Massimo Girotti). Peter is related to the infamous, Otto von Kleist, a local 16th century baron with a penchant for sticking pokers up peoples’ bottoms. Karl takes Peter to visit the dead Baron’s castle which is going to be turned into a hotel, aptly called The Hotel of the Devil.

Whilst there, Peter meets Eva (Elke Sommer) and a team of historians working on the castle. One night, inspired by spooky stories surrounding his ancestor, Peter and Eva summon the Baron back from the dead. Soon the Otto van Kleist is on a murderous rampage to help restore his castle back to how it used to be in the good old days when dead bodies hanged from the tower. Changing Rooms this most certainly ain’t!

It is a real shame that films made in the 1970s just didn’t get how to make a good soundtrack. Instead of spooky violins and tinkling keys, Baron Blood is underpinned with what sounds like Burt Bacharach’s Do You Know The Way To San Jose? The opening is just full of it as Peter travels (on Pan Am no less) over to Austria and then on his journey to the castle. It is just very hard to believe that some serious horror will begin to happen when it sounds like the cast’s radio is stuck on Magic FM.

But the horror does arrive – and my gosh, it brings a lot of red paint with it. The film essentially only has three main characters so naturally a lot of expendable extras are briefly introduced and dispatched as soon as the baron crawls out of his muddy grave. Really though it is Eva who is the star of the show. There is one very lovely set piece where she is being pursued by the baron through the streets, where the fog machine has been turned up to eleven. It is all gloriously backlit and as she runs for her life (“I’ve got lots of friends in San Jose. La la la la la…”) you can see why Mario Bava became the horror legend he is.

The plot is a strange mix of well known clichés and idiotic decisions (don’t ignore the creepy child who saw the baron, it’s also probably best NOT to read the Latin incantation) but it is also wildly unpredictable in the way only 70s films can be. “As you know, my work here at the school involves research into extrasensory perception” says Dr Hummel at one point very much out of the blue, before introducing us to Clarissa, the ESP clairvoyant and medium.

Baron Blood is also full of hilarious coincidences. Everyone they stumble across just so happens to have the charm/spell/locket needed to send the baron back to Hell. Yes, this might seem outdated to modern audiences who used to being left in the dark, but it is plot points like this that make these films so much fun. They are kitsch, brightly coloured, completely bonkers and smothered in 

Kensington Gore.

There is one thing though that can really be taken away from Baron Blood: if someone asks you “do you know the way to Hotel Devil?” it’s probably best to turn up the radio and just keep driving…

Star Trek Into Darkness Review

In a market saturated with bad remakes and shoddy sequels, J.J Abrams’s Star Trek Into Darkness is a welcome distraction that not only lives up to the franchise’s first outing but actually does one better.

Abrams has confessed that he was a bit nervous about becoming the director on this reboot of the classic TV series, admitting that he was never a big Star Trek fan when he was a kid. Perhaps that distance from the legacy is what makes the films so good, with Abrams creating brand new versions of the legendary cast that are accessible to everyone. For those who are nervous of Star Trek, this is not a sci-fi film. This is a good, old-fashioned action adventure that just happens to be set in deep space.

Star Trek Into Darkness picks up from where the first film left off and continues to focus on the growing bromance between Kirk (Chris Pine) and half-Vulcan pal Spock (Zachary Quinto). Kirk is the commanding officer of the Enterprise and with Spock, Bones (Karl Urban) and the rest gang alongside of him, they are doing what they do best, exploring alien planets.

However the Star Fleet soon comes under heavy fire from new villain John Harrison (Benedict Cumberbatch) who draws the USS Enterprise out to the limits of its safety in order to bring this savage terrorist to justice.

And that’s all that can really be said without giving too much away! Spoilers are everywhere in this film and the action is palm-sweatingly good. Like the first film, the script has the perfect balance of brilliant high-octane action, comedy and mystery. It is in fact more like a thriller, with a plot that constantly delights by twisting and turning. At every moment there is a challenge to be met and a problem to overcome, providing you with some great edge-of-your-seat viewing.

There has been a lot of hype about Sherlock icon Benedict Cumberbatch joining the cast for this film and naturally he does not disappoint. In fact, Cumberbatch is a joy to watch, prowling about like some kind of intergalactic Hannibal Lecter. He has all of the menace and intensity that is required to make a truly great villain but also the more sympathetic side that makes a legend of the screen. It is the power plays that add all of the spice to Star Trek Into Darkness, with Harrison and Kirk both struggling to come out on top.

However despite a marvellous turn as Harrison, the film belongs in its entirety to Chris Pine who steals the show out from under everyone else’s feet. It is almost like Pine knew Cumberbatch was going to be great so dialled up his performance to the max delivering a real tour de force performance. Playing off of Quinto’s wide eyed Vulcan confusion, Pine transforms Kirk into a heroic underdog creating an intensity that (dare it be said) William Shatner just could never achieve.

Star Trek Into Darkness has its problems though. Alice Eve delivers a lacklustre performance as Dr Carol Marcus, who provides the sex factor in the film by randomly stripping off at one point, and despite her acting prowess Zoe Saldana as Uhura feels somewhat bland. This is however not the fault of the actresses it seems but a problem with the script. It is a real shame the writers did not give the girls more of a chance to stand up and show us what they’ve got. Also the emotional heart of the film is not as strong as it could be. With all of the fast pace action, the character’s stories get a bit lost and certain dramatic moments just fall a bit flat.

But does this matter? No! Star Trek Into Darkness is a brilliant blast of a film with some dazzling performances and a new iconic baddie. Here’s hoping Abrams is here to stay on the franchise as with him at the helm, Star Trek is set to stay on warp speed.

Twilight Drinking Game

Tonight is the night. It is finally happening. Twilight: The Hideously Long Saga is ending. Right now millions of prepubescent teens are rushing towards multiplexes up and down the country to see Bella Swan finally achieve a sparkly orgasm. We are sure there is probably more too it than that, but since we had to watch Robert Pattinson EAT A BABY OUT OF BELLA'S WOMB we have quite frankly given up. So grab some beers, grab the DVDs and drink so hard you forget Twilight ever existed at all...

We have wondered for quite some time now if the world is just completely drunk. It makes no sense otherwise that a completely crappy book pushing Mormonism down people’s throats has achieved such superstar status. Then again, Adolf Hitler and the Nazi Party managed to brainwash Germany quite well with no booze needed. We’re not really comparing Stephenie Meyer to Hitler…ok, maybe just a little. Anyway, get ready for the last time you have to watch Robert Pattinson try hard to emote! My, Edward, what topaz eyes you have. Almost exactly the colour of… lager…

Take one sip

Every time Bella mumblesHave you ever heard Kristen Stewart try to talk? Mumble, mumble, mumble, I’m so edgy. Mumble, mumble, mumble, I didn’t cheat on you Rob. Oh wait, yes I did. Mumble, mumble.

Each time you see man tits on screenTrying desperately hard to stop Bella from running off with one of the living dead, Jacob (a great big ruddy wolf…yeah that’s better than a vampire) repeatedly struts around with his top off. They live in a cold and rainy part of the world. Nipple erections and a hot torso will never not make us see this as anything other than bestiality. For the love of God, put a shirt on man!

Whenever someone says VampireWe know that this is likely to happen a lot. Trust us though, liver disease is a whole lot less painful than sitting through all five films.

Take two sips

Whenever Edward says he is ‘dangerous’Have vampires never heard that women like dangerous men? Although most of us will settle for a guy whose uppermost danger level is crossing the road before the green man appears, Edward just takes it to new heights. Sometimes literally with all of that tree climbing. Stop messing with her Cullen and just take her out for a bite! Not that kind of bite…

Each time there is an unnecessary close up of someone’s faceIt’s not big, it’s not clever, it’s lazy film making. Please just stop it.

Take three sips

Each time someone looks sad/is sad
For a story about love there sure is a whole lotta whinging in these films. ‘Oh no, I love him too much.’ ‘Oh no, he’s dead’. ‘Oh no, I don’t know if I’m into necrophilia or shagging animals.’There are so many hard decisions in a girl’s life these days no wonder Bella permanently has a face like a slapped arse. Take a leaf out of Fifty Shades of Grey. Slapped arses don’t seem quite so sad in that format…

Every time someone sparkles
You would think if you were over two hundred years old then maybe Head and Shoulders would have eventually made itself known to you. No matter how many times Bella says it’s beautiful we all know that a healthy scalp is the first step to a healthy head.

Whenever Bella touches her hair 
Keeping with the good hair health thing here. Bella, chill the fuck out, your locks aren’t going anywhere…

Suck it you vampire!

Neck your drink each time Stephenie Meyer hits you in the face with the Book of Mormon
Hey kids, you may feel these strange urges deep down in your loins. Whatever you do… don’t act on them! No sex for you, Bella. Not before you get married. Just make sure you marry a controlling, sparkly twat who wants to eat you out in a ridiculous fashion and nibble your neck till you bleed and die. Jesus, it’s all so awful we’re off down t’pub right bloody now.

Drink film fans, drink until you remember a sweeter pre-Twilight time… 

Top 10 improvised lines in cinema

Some days it feels like every ruddy actor out there is getting on set and making shit up. With all of the apocryphal stories about improvised lines and made up scenes you begin to wonder why Hollywood still needs screenwriters at all. Normally these tales are 100% bull. And no matter how many times Dustin Hoffman says he made up the "I'm walking here!" line we all know that he really didn't. Every now and then though something comes along that just feels real. So here are the best, non-surgically enhanced wowza lines in cinema history. (Hello Boys! Yeah, they're real.)

#10 The Necklace Scene – Pretty Woman

Ok, so whilst it isn’t strictly a spoken line, it is still an iconic moment. When Richard Gere’s not casually putting gerbils up his rectum (this is apparently a thing. Look it up) he is busy giving Julia Roberts expensive necklaces and making single, middle-aged women’s hearts sigh. This little moment in the film was a snap (see what I did there) decision made by Gere whilst shooting, and Robert’s reaction is one hundred percent real. Now everyone say aaaah… Unless your mind is still on the gerbils, in which case say eurghh…

#9 ‘Why male models?’ – Zoolander

So, this improvised gem doesn’t really show Ben Stiller off in the best light as the truth of the matter is… he forgot his real line. Whilst trying to show how dumb models are, Stiller may not have done the actor image any favours either. But then again it is a masterclass of quick thinking, comic timing and sheer spur of the moment brilliance. Kudos too to David Duchovny whose response is entirely made up as well. It stayed in the final film. Clearly it works.

#8 The Line up – The Usual Suspects

Oh Keyser Söze you naughty scamp, too busy killing people to remember your lines? This glorious scene from the even more glorious The Usual Suspects shows just how good Kevin Spacey, Benicio Del Toro, Stephen Baldwin and Gabriel Byrne really are. Initially intended to be a very serious moment in the film, director Bryan Singer spent so long faffing about getting ready to shoot that the actors decided to go nuts with it. Each of them improvised the line ‘hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker’ in their own individual way and the laughter that emerges is genuine as none of them knew what the other was about to do. Man, how much do you wish you were Kevin Spacey?

#7 ‘Take the cannoli’ – The Godfather

Cannoli. A Sicilian dessert that is somewhere between brandy snap and a pastry. They’re good. So good in fact they are worth robbing murdered men for. The line in the script for The Godfather actually just reads ‘Leave the gun.’ This little beauty comes from the inspired mind and hungry tummy of Richard S. Castellano. In case you want some cannoli I’m sure Mary Berry has a recipe. It’s probably a lot easier to do than commit first degree murder…

#6 Gun vs Sword – Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

Now, I didn’t actually want to include this moment here. I was instead going to put in Sean Connery’s ‘she talks in her sleep’ ad lib from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. Alas no proof exists to show that was a real improvised moment (only the belief in my heart). Instead there is this. Apparently Harrison Ford had the shits on the day of filming and instead of doing a long action scene asked Spielberg instead if he could just casually shoot the douche with the sword to prevent himself from exploding. Just a nice little image there for you all.

#5 ‘Here’s looking at you kid’ – Casablanca

Such a great line that it is hard to imagine that it was made up on the spur of the moment with the cameras rolling. An amazing line for a mundane film (sorry, but it is). The story goes that Bogie between takes would teach Bergman how to play poker and this line was something he used to say to her then. Either way it does not appear in the actual script and brings the house down every single time. Interestingly the line ‘play it again, Sam’ doesn’t appear either. It is a misquotation of Bergman’s line: ‘play it once, Sam, for old times’ sake’.But you all probably knew that anyway.

#4 ‘You talkin’ to me?’ – Taxi Driver

‘Bickle speaks to himself in the mirror’. That is all that appears in Paul Schrader’s brilliant script for Taxi Driver. This moment shows not only how good Robert De Niro is as a improvisational actor, but how good a director Scorsese is too. Allowing De Niro the space and creative freedom to do what he wanted with this inconsequential line of scene direction, De Niro came up with one of the best and probing looks into the mind of a psycho killer. Genius. I doff my hat to you both.

#3 ‘Hisssssssss’ – The Silence of the Lambs

There seems to be a bit of a rule in Hollywood that if you only appear in a movie for a very short period of time you tend to win an Oscar. Judi Dench is only briefly in Shakespeare in Love and Penelope Cruz only has forty minutes in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. As Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs, Anthony Hopkins only gets just under twenty five minutes of screen time. Hard to believe eh? His performance is so strong his presence seems to ooze its way through every scene. Hopkins has actually admitted that when he did the ridiculously freaky ‘hissss’ he didn’t realise just how frightening it was. No one even thought it would make the final cut. Thank god it did.

#2 ‘You’re gonna need a bigger boat’ – Jaws

Steven Spielberg had a big problem whilst shooting Jaws – the script was too severe. Yes, it is right to say that maybe people being nibbled to death by sharks isn’t a joke-a-minute affair, but Spielberg knew that in order for the film to be a success it needed to be a bit lighter in tone. Cue Roy Scheider (not Rob Schneider) who, along with all of the cast, was given permission to ad lib as many lines as possible. The beauty of this creation is that it manages to be funny whilst making you wet yourself out of fear simultaneously. A legend was born and this is one of those immortal lines that just seems to crop up all the time in everyday life.

#1 ‘Here’s Johnny!’ – The Shining

Well it just had to be the number one spot, didn’t it? Like the Jaws line this is probably one of the most quoted lines in cinema ever. After a day doing take, after take, after take smashing through that bloody door, Nicholson eventually stuck his head through and uttered two momentous words. Apparently Kubrick was a bit or a brute to poor Shelley Duvall on set to get her terrified performance just right and it is rumoured that she cried so many times in retakes that Duvall had to keep a bottle of water to drink nearby to stay hydrated and ensure the tears kept flowing. Stephen King must be royally pissed off. The best line of all time… and it wasn’t even one of his.

Flying Swords at Dragon Gate review

Here is the formula for coming up with a successful title for a Chinese action movie: use the word dragon, make something else fly and shove in some references to weapons and you're done. Sadly there isn't a good formula for coming up with the plot of the film.Flying Swords of Dragon Gate is bonkers. Maybe if any of the characters stood still for long enough you'd have a better change at figuring out what the heck is going on...

Crouching Dragon, Hidden Dagger. The House of Flying Tigers. It really doesn’t matter what you call them. Really you could change the title of this particular film to Flying Dragons of Sword Gate and nothing would change. The plot makes zero sense, the characters whizz past in a blur of fists and flapping cloaks and all of the names blur into one. To give them some credit, they can kick. My, can they ever kick…

The trailer makes it seem as though there is a plot to this film. Believe me when I tell you that there isn’t, unless you consider people swirling around like turds in a U-bend for over two and a half hours ‘a plot’. To give you some kind of idea of how confusing Flying Swords of Dragon Gate is, here is an attempt at describing the action. A bunch of Eunuchs that work for the emperor have gained a lot of power and decide to create an East and West Bureau. I’m not quite sure what this means but it seems to be a bad thing and they spend most of their time drinking a lot of ‘pickled wine flesh’. The hero (Li) is a bit like Robin Hood. He goes around sorting out bad ass perpetrators. Meanwhile some baby-faced evil prince is going about killing his pregnant concubines.

However, one of then manages to escape and is helped out by a female ninja pretending to be Li. She helps to take Preggers to Dragon Gate where they hide out at the Inn there before trying to escape across the border. Suddenly everyone is rocking up at the inn’s door like it’s flipping Christmas, including some Tartars, the prince’s evil hordes, another female warrior and her accomplice, Blade in the Wind, who coincidentally is a total lookalike of the evil prince. Obviously this makes for a volatile mix and they all try to kill each other. Bad news is there is a sandstorm on the way that will rip the inn apart… but also the storm will uncover a city under the sand full of gold. Ninja girl, prince lookalike, Preggers and the others team up against the real prince and his evil friends. Then Jet Li turns up and it just gets even harder to follow.

It’s all a big mess and not helped in any way by the action and hideous CGI. All of the characters can fly (obviously) and most of them also have telekinetic powers (standard). By far though, the biggest problem is that the first hour of Flying Swords of Dragon Gate has nothing at all to do with the rest of the film. Wine-flesh-drinking emperor never appears again and the Eunuchs seems to vanish into thin air. Just as you think you are getting it, Preggers turns up and upsets everything.

To say something good about this film, there is a pretty decent twist. I didn’t see it coming. But then as I had no idea what the crap was going on 98% of the time, it isn’t all that surprising. Kun Chen who (besides having the most flawless skin in the world) also does a pretty decent job at playing both the evil prince and his dorky lookalike. A much better job than say, Leonardo DiCaprio in The Man in the Iron Mask… Chen makes it nice and clear when he is playing evil (normally stabbing someone with a dagger wielded by his eyes) and playing goofy (dressed in white and pulling funny faces). All I can say is thank god someone was there to try and give some meaning to it all.

I found out later that Flying Swords of Dragon Gate might be a sequel to an earlier film… I am dubious if watching the first one will shed any light on the action here. If you are in the mood for twirling ninjas and a sand storm that sounds like a new Ben and Jerry’s flavour (‘The Flying Swirl Dragon’ – yum) then maybe give this film a watch. Just fast forward the first hour… or perhaps slightly more.