Cockneys vs Zombies review

Watch out Abercrombies! Pussy Galore's got a gun and she knows how to use it! Taking a leaf out of Simon Pegg's book, Cockneys vs Zombies is a very British look at how a zombie plague would pan out. Sadly it lacks enough content to provide real bite. WhilstCockneys has a lot of heart...and brains...and limbs, it is missing a lot of the humour that the title hints at to make it a classic Brit horror.

You’d be forgiven for thinking that The Expendables 2 would be the OAP blockbuster for the summer. Whilst the cast for that film clock up a pretty serious amount of years between them, the four older cast members alone in Cockneys vs Zombies collectively come to an impressive 388 years old. Sadly it is only the cast members who have freedom passes that save Cockneys, and what should have been a hilarious joke-a-second romp through Bow actually winds up feeling rather…dead.

Cockneys vs Zombies begins promisingly enough. In London’s East End, a pair of dim workmen discover a tomb from the 17th Century buried beneath a site where they are building new luxury homes. Paying no heed to health and safety (pretty unbelievable considering this is England) the duo smash their way in to have a poke around. Unfortunately they are attacked by a zombie skeleton which spreads a plague across the capital. Meanwhile, bumbling brothers Terry (Hardiker) and Andy (Treadaway) are planning to rob a bank in order to get enough money to save their granddad’s care home from closing. Assisted by their kick-ass cousin Katy (Ryan), Mental Mickey (Ashley ‘Bashy’ Thomas) and deadbeat friend Davey (Jack Doolan) their plans soon go awry as the zombie plague catches up with them and they are forced to the care home to save their granddad (Ford) and his pensioner pals from certain, bloody death.

Cockneys has a really great, comic book style opening credit sequence, which leaves you in no doubt as to what the tone of the film will be; gory, over the top and very funny. Sadly, the rest of the film pays little attention to this set up and isn’t able to come up with enough jokes that work. Whilst there are moments that shine in Cockneys many of the laughs feel repetitive, with pensioners rattling off reels of cockney rhyming slang, exploding zombie heads and the geezer brothers trying their hardest to get their comic timing moving faster than a snail. At one point whilst looking at one of the zombies trying to stagger along slowly, someone asks if that is as fast as they go. Unfortunately the zombie in question moves a lot faster than the plot of the film which is essentially just scenes with our heroes trapped first inside a bank, then a warehouse and a care home.

This is the biggest problem with the film. The plot feels so incredibly thin you wonder when it will all get going before suddenly realising that it is over. The writers shove in subplot after subplot with hostage stories and also a very unnecessary detour to find someone’s sister halfway through. At times it feels like they really struggled to get this quirky idea to feature length. The pacing throughout is very odd and although Cockneysbegins unbelievably quickly, with the workmen having their faces eaten off quicker than you can say ‘brains’, it gets held up a million times whilst the script also attempts to shove some characters into the story. Even this is not done with the most amazing amount care, and the characters, whilst likeable, are cliched. You know from all of their first sentences who will live and who will end up as zombie food.

The one thing that saves Cockneys from just being a straight to DVD, Shaun of the Deadrip off is the glorious performances from the older members of the cast. It perhaps would have been better if the whole film just focused on them and left out all of the trite younger generation entirely. Whilst Alan Ford does a great turn as aging hellraiser Ray, it is Richard Brier who steals the whole show with his gloriously geriatric performance as Hamish. It is Hamish and co who deliver all of the laughs in the film, with Brier doing the most amazingly tense and hilarious zimmer frame vs zombie chase scene. Playing on the how-slow-can-a-zombie-go idea with the old people is brilliant and something that could undoubtedly have been spun out for longer. Honor Blackman shows that she still has the Bond girl instinct in her toting an Uzi like a pro and making it look far cooler than dull Michelle Ryan ever could.

It is probably worth seeing Cockneys vs Zombies purely for the pensioners alone. Whilst there are some cute and funny moments throughout, Cockneys somehow manages to feel rushed whilst simultaneously move ridiculously slowly…not much unlike an OAP trying to outrun the undead.

Brave review

It has been a while since we last saw an animated princess on our screens and even longer since there was one that was genuinely stong. Crowned with a head of red curls and more arrows than even Katniss Everdeen could shoot per second, Princess Merida is a feisty redhead obsessed with her fate. If you are thinking of changing your own destiny, just make sure to pick a better witch to help you then Merida does...

There has been a lot of debate amongst the film community lately over Disney Pixar’s latest film venture. A film where a princess is not in love with a boy? Shock horror! Growing up with a parade of princesses all as pathetic as each other is tough for a girl’s psyche. Kids going to the cinema today should be proud to see a girl who can kick some serious arse on screen. Brave shows us that there are somethings more important in life than boys (if you can imagine it). We should focus on our relationships with all our loved ones, but most importantly, the relationship we have with ourselves and our own journey in life. Just try telling that to Aladdin‘s Princess Jasmine…

So, PreBEAR yourself for a lot of Ursidae action – in ancient Scotland, Merida (Macdonald) the daughter of Queen Elinor (Thompson) and King Fergus (Connolly) has grown up to become an independent woman and a formidable archer. More interested in running free in the wilds of Scotland than paying attention to her mother’s princess lessons, Merida is devastated to hear that Elinor will be hosting a series of games where according to tradition, suitors will compete for her hand in marriage. Her father however is more interested in finding and killing the evil bear that ate his leg many years ago than standing up for his daughter against Elinor, leaving Merida to take her fate into her own hands. Following the magical will-o’-the-wisps in to the forest, Merida finds an ancient witch (Julie Walters, definitely an ancient witch) who gives her a spell to change her mother, but with dire consequences…

The first thing that is instantly noticeable in Brave is how staggeringly beautiful it is, with Merida free climbing her way up to all of the best scenic viewing points in the kingdom. Whilst other Disney Pixar films have a quirky charm to their animation, the images of wild Scotland are so strong you can almost feel the wind blowing up your kilt. These visuals however come at a bit of a price and it seems that the filmmakers sacrificed a lot of their usual wit and humour for the imagery leaving you with only few choice comic moments provided by Merida’s three younger brothers.

This isn’t too much a problem though as the story at the heart of Brave is actually quite a serious one. As a child, Merida and her mother Elinor had a good relationship, but as Merida grew up this was torn apart with Elinor making Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearestlook like Mother Teresa. This is the relationship Brave focuses on choosing to completely ignore the typical girl-meets-boy storyline. All mothers can be beasts sometimes but inBrave it takes a spooky witch to help Merida and Elinor to learn once again how to communicate with each other properly. Perhaps for younger children who haven’t reached an age where you battle constantly with your mother (‘my skirt is SO NOT too short…’) the central story will not touch them in the same way as it does for an older audience. Mother/daughter relationships are complicated, especially when two alpha females like Elinor and Merida go head to head. Princesses are easy to understand and love when you are little. They love boys and pink stuff and will end up happily married. Brave offers a more intricate look into the life of a young woman, with no trace of pink in sight.

Brave manages to conjure up a beautiful world where magic somehow just feels real. It is not set in a distant land that seems far removed from our own, but instead draws on inspiration from Scottish folklore and legends to make it seem believable. Using a chess board and flashbacks in one scene, Brave adds in a fantastic Lord of the Rings/Game of Thrones style back story, giving the plot a grounded place to develop from. Yes, it may be a tad slow to get going but not everything has to happen at Buzz Lightyear speed in order to be good. There are however a few things that perplexed, like why do witches always conjure up such big batches of potion in cauldrons just for one tiny drop? Have they never done like Delia Smith and learned to scale down? And also why must they always have irritating talking bird sidekicks?

I think the main problem for Brave is that essentially it is not a young child’s film. It is a far more subdued and mature affair than anything the studios have tried to do before which might confuse audiences slightly, but it has a great message. Be brave…like a bear. Or something like that…

Top 10 imaginary versus films

There is nothing I like more here at Light! Camera! Reaction! than seeing two totally random creatures fight it out to the death. Alien vs Predator (one, not two), Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs anything really... Later on this month Cockneys vs Zombies attacks our screens and to celebrate I thought it would be fun to think of the best versus films that neither man nor beast has ever thought of before. Some might say there is a reason why these films don't exist...well I say WHATEVS! I will get a space on my mantelpiece ready for my Oscar. Let's kick off with Strippers vs Werewolves...oh hang on...

In life we all go through battles. Battles ranging from the epic to the fairly mundane. If you stop and think about it though everyday there is some kind of mini war happening in your life. You vs Traffic, Man vs Boiler. Each fight has varying degrees of success (boiler always wins) and we must take our victories when they come. What would you do however if your next great fight involved something more Biebery, more mongoosey, more mega sharky then you ever dreamed possible? Read on warriors and thank your lucky stars that you are not up against one of these bad boys…

#10 – Barbie vs Ken

Plot: Things had been going so well for Barbie and Ken! The Dreamhouse had just been redecorated and the jeep had a new set of super shiny wheels. Barbie has just been promoted at the investment bank (go with it) where she works but uh-oh…Ken feels threatened and to assert his masculinity makes one huge mistake. Barbie comes home one day to find Ken…in bed with Hispanic Teresa, the woman undermining Barbie at work! Barbie is pissed. Especially because Ken is trying to take Barbie to the cleaners in the divorce, with some incriminating photos from her days as a Hooters waitress she doesn’t want her boss to see. Think Kramer vs Kramer only shinier. Oh, and Ken’s a spy. They have a lot of Matrixstyle fights.
Who would direct it? Sam Mendes (Revolutionary Road)
Who wins? Barbie has a pilot’s license. She crashes her plane with Ken in it. They both die.

#9 – Justin Bieber vs Syphilis

Plot: One dark, stormy night, Justin Bieber is casually on his way home from a gig…when he thinks he is being stalked by someone or something. A few nights later, a mad fan with a hideous, deformed, demonic face breaks into his dressing room when he is alone and attacks him. Bieber blacks out and can’t tell police exactly what happened. Soon though strange things begin happening to Justin. Is he being hunted down by a something evil? Or is he going maaaad? And what is that strange burning sensation when he pees?
Who would direct it? Sam Raimi (Evil Dead Trilogy)
Who wins? Syphilis. Yaaay!

#8 – Matador vs Manta Ray

Plot: A retired Matador moves with his family down to the Spanish coast. A few years ago he lost his leg in a bull fight and has lived as a recluse ever since. One day his son Alejandro persuades him to come out to the beach and the Matador finds that he is actually a great swimmer (despite the stump). Meanwhile just down the shoreline, a Spanish test facility accidentally release a giant Manta Ray into the sea that begins to eat the locals. Putting aside the trauma from his past, the Matador must once again get ready to fight. One. Last. Time. He has a wetsuit mixed with a matador’s costume. And lures the Manta Ray into a trap with some chorizo. Then says ‘¡Olé!’ a lot. Feel free to throw in as many stereotypes as you like…
Who would direct it? Ed Wood, obviously.
Who wins? The Matador kills the Manta Ray but is fatally wounded. He floats out to sea on its back never to be seen again.

#7 – Zombie vs Existentialist Crisis

Plot: A crazy scientist living in L.A decides that the world needs a bit a spicing up and so decides to unleash a zombie plague onto mankind. However something goes terribly wrong and instead of conjuring up a zombie army he manages to only create one lonely flesh eater called Francis. Living with the scientist and surrounded by the leggy beauties of downtown Los Angeles, Francis is torn. Does he eat them and feast on their brains, or go against his nature and try to fit in? Will the Hollywood big-shots accept him or parade him in horror movies to make a lot of money? Depression sets in and soon Francis turns to drink to stop himself from eating human flesh. The scientist and his beautiful assistant must try to find a cure for Francis before it is too late.
Who would direct it? Tim Burton (Dark Shadows)
Who wins? Existentialist Crisis. Francis is sent back to hell where he belongs.

#6 – Caravan vs Tractor

Plot: Like Duel! Only slower… One summer’s night, Alan, a sensitive down and out type, is driving his caravan across England to London where he is going for a job interview. However in the early hours of the morning he notices that a strange tractor has been following him for many miles. What does this tractor driver want? Could it be the illegally harvested corn Terry has in the back of the caravan? Cue slow chase scenes as the tractor tries to overtake the caravan and angry farmers whose crops get destroyed in the manic game of cat and mouse.
Who would direct it? Roman Polanski (The Ghost Writer)
Who wins? Tractor. You shouldn’t be able to drive your house around.

#5 – Spiders vs Monkeys

Plot: An animated adventure comedy for all the family! Deep in the rainforest of the Amazon, a group of monkeys live together in harmony. All that is except for Howlie, an orphaned howler monkey who feels like he just doesn’t fit in with the others. He is missing a paw which was lost in the attack that killed his parents and the other monkeys all make fun of him for it. One day the news that a gang of evil spiders are on their way arrives in the monkey colony and Howlie decides that this time, despite his failings, it will be him who takes on the invaders and save the monkey community.
Who would direct it? Any Disney/Pixar/Dreamworks stalwart will do.
Who wins? They both do, leaving the path open for Spiders vs Monkeys 2: Spider Monkeys!

#4 – Hairdressers vs Yetis

Plot: It’s the 12th International Hairdressing Awards and this year it is being held in Tibet! As a group of flamboyant hairdressers from Leeds make their way to the competition their plane gets caught in a terrible storm over the Himalayas and crashes. Lead by the feisty Terrance, the survivors must battle the snow and wind in order to survive but are soon up against a deadlier foe…YETIS! Armed only with hair scissors and razors and those pointless squirty water bottles, the hairdressers must face their hairiest challenge ever and snip their way to victory!
Who would direct it? Christopher Smith (Severence)
Who wins? Hairdressers. They cut all of the fur off the yetis who freeze to death in the snow.

#3 – Aussie Barmen vs Honey Badger

Plot: Saturday night in Leicester Square, London. Inside the Walkabout bar a group of ex-pat Aussie barmen (and women) are preparing for another night of raucous drinking, sticky floors and sex in the bathrooms. However things soon take a turn for the (even) worse. The previous weekend a nerdy zookeeper’s assistant, Davey, confessed his love to Sheila the bargirl but was brutally rejected. To exact his revenge, Davey unleashes a crate of Honey Badgers injected with adrenaline into Walkabout and seals everyone inside. With the ferocious HBs on the rampage how will the Aussie Barmen get everyone to safety with only a few barstools, broken bottles and Fosters to help them?
Who would direct it? Simon Pegg (Directorial debut)
Who wins? Honey Badgers! They break free into London and take over the world.

#2 – Kim Jong-Un vs Democracy vs MONGOOSE!

Plot: North Korea. Wise, Respected, Brilliant, Unique Leader Kim Jong-Il is dead and his fat son is taking the reins. The UN decides that democracy must be established in the mysterious country and knows just the right creatures for the job…MONGOOSES (rarely ever mongeese…) Armed with a moral code of conduct and UN helmets, the mongooses are air dropped into North Korea with a mission…restore freedom to the people, or face death.
Who would direct it? Trey Parker and Matt Stone (Team America)
Who wins? MONGOOSE! The Mongooses take over and stick two furry fingers up to Jong-Un and democracy. Double crossing mongeese…

#1 – Salmon vs Waterfall

Plot: Never has there been a more perfect metaphor for human life than watching a fish battle with a current. After the mixed success of Dinosaurs vs Jesus (otherwise known as The Tree of Life) Malick would be the ideal person to bring this epic struggle to the big screen. The plot? There is no plot. Arthouse beauty and perfection reaches the apex with this daring and thought provoking masterpiece. 3 hours. One salmon. One river. Will the salmon make it? You should actually ask…will we make it. Academy Award winning gold.
Who would direct it? Terrence Malick
Who wins? It’s too deep to comprehend.

Who needs Cockneys vs Zombies after all! Any other ideas? Let me know and let’s get it made.

No drugs were smoked during the making of this list.

The Mummy Drinking Game!

I never need an excuse to get a little bit merry but perhaps you more sensible people at home do. Now that all of the Olympic madness is over and even the bloody Bourne Legacy has come out in cinemas you need something to fill those dark, gaping voids in your life. And what better to fill them with than some sweet alcomohol? Grab your guns and shot glasses treasure seekers! It's time to revisit Hamunaptra and get squiffy.

These have been a bumper few days for you, film fans. Not only have I recently bestowed you with an incredibly detailed reason as to why The Mummy is one of the best films ever made (I promise you I am not totally obsessed), you now get to have a bespoke drinking game to see you through another sad, Friday night in. Are you a bit rusty on your Setis, Amuns and Ramseses (try saying that after you’ve had a few) then this game is probably not going to help you very much… In fact it might seriously destroy some synapses. Still game? Then get pouring.

TAKE ONE SIP

Every time you see a Scarab beetle
This one should be enough to give you cirrhosis all by itself. Luckily for you the Ancient Egyptians removed the liver after you died so you can get a clean start in the afterlife. Which is good because I hear that Anubis loves an all night bender.

Whenever someone says Anck-Su-Namun
And weep at the fact that they spelled her name wrong. What’s wrong with you, researchers? Also turn to the person next to you, say ‘Anck-Su-Namun’ in a deep husky voice and start rubbing them all over. Make sure you know this person quite well or you may find yourself with a bit of a restraining order…

When you see Rick O’Connell cock his gun
He’s a dude trying to impress a lady waaaaay outta his league. It happens a lot.

TAKE TWO SIPS

Whenever you see a chest, jar or book
Evelyn manages to destroy an entire library in the first fifteen minutes of the film. Get drinking. “There is a curse upon this chest”. Get drinking. The Book of the Dead will also make a pretty hefty appearance. You have been warned. There is also a bit where Evelyn wears a see through top and you can see her chest. Definitely get drinking then.

Every time you hear the words Egypt, Egyptian or someone speaks in ancient “Egyptian”
The ancient Egyptian stuff is a bit dubious. At one point Anck-Su-Namun (drink) tells Imhotep to leave, but actually says ‘BE GONE’ in an exotic way. We’re not sure that’s proper but whatever, drink away.

When a mummy diesThis should get you nicely lubricated right at the end. Why not have another fondle of your drinking buddy whilst you’re at it. Neither of you will remember it tomorrow…

TAKE THREE SIPS

Each time Evelyn talks about history or mythology
And say ‘no way, you’re having a laugh, woman!’ incredulously afterwards. It’s all true. Every. Single. Word. (Well, I like to think so at least…)

For each of the 10 plagues of Egypt
Actually I think they only do a few of them so you’re in luck.

DEATH IS ONLY THE BLOODY BEGINNING!!!

Immortal line of cinema said by an actual immortal! Finish off your drink and laugh right in death’s face! Neck your drink each time you hear this and live forever. Also make growling mummy noises à la Imhotep and gargle your booze a bit. This is what I imagine the Foley artists did...